#50 Lessons as a Protege: A Conversation with Courtney Crane

Let’s be honest, while we all may believe that we know someone who loves to argue, the majority of people don’t love confrontation. We’re biologically wired to strive for acceptance & being “a part of” a tribe. Confrontation or conflict, to many of us, is associated with the risk of rejection, driving us to avoid it like the plague. 

So what do we do instead? Some of us find ourselves bitter in silet solitude, or complaining to anyone who will listen to us. Some of us are easily swayed to “just go with it.” Some of us aren’t capable of standing our ground. Some of us fantasize about what they should have said in past arguments. Some of us fantasize about how we’re going to tell someone off, with zero intention of ever saying the word. 

Its in this adaptive process that we pick up the number one trait that kills all relationships from the inside out: resentment. And this includes your relationship with yourself. 

There are two reasons for resentment:

1. You truly are being taken advantage of and/or manipulated 
2. You are refusing to accept responsibility & stand up for yourself 

And let me just say - LADIES - it’s very common for us to believe that we have to take care of everyone else & be “agreeable.” We slip into the mindset that if we’re nice, they’ll be nice too! But that’s assuming the positivity in humanity, which unfortunately isn’t always present. 

The reality is that the more we bend over backwards for everyone else’s needs, the less we’re able to stand up for our own. 

Does this mean that we can never help others? Of course not! Giving is the greatest gift of being a human. However, it shouldn’t come at the cost of our own needs.

So how do we address our needs to other people in a productive, emotionally intelligent way? 

We mindfully confront, like a BOSS.

In episode 42 of the wake up call podcast, I coach you through how to do this. Below is the 4 step process, laid out in one place for your convenience. If you ever need a pep talk before going into a confrontation, skip ahead to minute 31 of the podcast. 

THE HOW TO:

Step 1: Cool your jets & own your shit.

It’s really easy to get ourselves all worked up & spiral out of control with anger, resentment, hatred, anxiety, depression, confusion, and more. However, the best thing we can do when someone pushes your buttons is STAY CALM. 

We have to keep in mind that if we have not told them what we want, it's unfair to assume that they know our needs. That would be assuming that they know us better than we know ourselves, which I hope is not the case. I encourage you to adopt the belief that most people are not out to get you & to assume ignorance over the intent to harm you or others. 

When it comes to owning your shit, you have to be open to be brutally honest with yourself. If you aren’t willing to leave your ego at the door, this will not work out in your favor in the long run. You may feel satisfied with self righteousness justification in the meantime, but it will dim your relationship with yourself & others over time.

In the podcast episode, I share with you how to differentiate the facts of what happened, your interpretations, and your emotions in a written exercise. The only rule is that this exercise must be WRITTEN so you SEE it, not think about it. Here is how to do it:

1. On the left side of a piece of paper, in your journal, a note on your phone, or a google doc, write out the facts of what happened between you and the person you’re looking to confront. By facts, I mean the instances that neither of you would say is wrong. It’s the cold hard truth. This list is forming your “skeleton” of what happened - the bare bones. 
2. Next, on the right side of a piece of paper, write down your interpretations/evaluations of what happened between you and the person you’re looking to confront. Look at your skeleton and then write what that bare bone MEANT to you. This list is showing you your “muscles.” We all have muscles of all different shapes & sizes due to our past life experience & the current context of our life situation. What does this mean? It means that our past creates our understanding of the world, which shapes our perception in the present. So however you’ve worked your “muscle” in the past (whatever has happened to you in the past) will shape how you use it in the present (how you react/perceive now).
3. Next, we need to find the TENDONS - aka the connective tissue between the bones & muscles. What is the connective tissue between the facts of the story & your interpretations? Your EMOTIONS. Your FEELINGS. Because we lack emotional intelligence in the western world, we sometimes think that our interpretations are our feelings. They’re not - they are our thoughts, which is part of our mental body. Our emotional body - our emotions/feeling - is how our thoughts make us FEEL within.  
1. So, to do this, read over your skeleton & muscle list. What underlying emotions & feelings are you seeing? 
1. Abandonment? Neglect? Worthlessness? Anxiety? Fear? Hopelessness? Despondency? Loneliness? Isolation? Defeated? Disappointed? Angry? Unsupported? Annoyed? 

Now that you have your skeleton, tendons & muscles - aka facts, emotions, and interpretations - you can study any underlying behavioral and/or emotional patterns and associated belief systems. While doing this, you are empowering yourself to own YOUR pieces of this puzzle, especially your interpretations. Those are YOURS. When confronting the other person, I would recommend keeping your interpretations to yourself unless it goes along with the context of the conversation. We will discuss later on how to share the facts & you emotions/feelings of the story.

After owning your pieces of this, you can now move to step two: 

Step 2: decide 

It’s time to ask yourself if you still need to confront this person with your leftover valid feelings that could have been prevented if they had more information/knowledge on you, or if confronting yourself in step 1 resolved the issue entirely. If it’s the latter, you are still allowed to share with the person how you’re feeling & what processing you went through if you feel it would improve the quality of your relationship. If not, you can keep it yourself. Congratulations - you just prevented a fight because you took ownership of your consciousness & were willing to do the work on yourself for yourself! 

If it’s the former, welcome to your next enlightening experience! While confrontation inevitably pushes at our primal buttons of wanting to avoid rejection, it is also a doorway to learn so much more about ourselves. 

I know it can be challenging & is a lot easier to just brush it under the rug, but hear me when I say that you need to OVARY up  & confront them if you’re being taken advantage of. You’re not doing anyone any favors by letting them walk over you or by silencing yourself. You’re either encouraging ignorance or manipulation, both aren’t ideal. By going with the flow, you’re abandoning yourself.

Step 3: prepare

Before confronting them, do your due diligence & show up ready to go. It’s ideal to have at least 3 pieces of evidence that you will present to them. This can be pulled from your skeleton list of hard facts. With these, also be prepared for any predictable counter arguments they could present you with. 

Secondly, get clear on what you DO want from them moving forward. We avoid confrontation because we associate it with “being mean,” meaning that its us telling us what they’ve done wrong. Why not - instead - just tell them what you DO want? Look at it this way - when you’re ordering at a restaurant, do you tell the waiter everything on the menu you DON'T want, or do you tell them exactly what you DO want? If you’ve worked in the food & beverage industry, you know how aggravating the former is. This will be used in your conversation with them soon, so get clear on it.

Now that you’ve prepared, you’re ready for step 4.

Step 4: the conversation

First & foremost, go in there with your big hoops on. You’ve done the work to be in that arena, and are entitled to confidently presenting yourself. Don’t go in there like a little kid that just broke something and has to give puppy dog eyes to mommy. Go in there like the emotionally intelligent adult that you are & lay down the law, respectfully. 

So how do you communicate yourself precisely & consciously? Four simple parts:

1. Share your observations (facts) that bothered you 
1. This is the 3 facts you pulled from your skeleton list
2. You can say this as “When i/you heard/saw/remembered/experienced….”
2. Share your feelings in relation to what you observed
1. These are your emotions you pulled from your tendons list
3. Share your needs/values that contribute to this feeling 
1. These are your belief systems/value systems that contribute to your drive/want for a particular behavior from yourself/them
4. Clearly request for what will satisfy your needs moving forward
1. This is what you DO want that we uncovered in step 3: prepare
2. Make this request simple, clear, small & reasonable and remember to use positive action language 

So what does this look like? 

When I saw you didn’t text me back, I felt neglected and unsupported because I needed your support in my time of need. Moving forward, would you be willing to answer me in a timely manner?

A few more notes on the conversation aspect on the confrontation. First, because of the likely hours of work you have done to walk in there confidently, do not allow their emotional reaction to change your mind. It is powerful to hold your ground while also giving compassion to others. Remember, the more we bend over for them, the more we abandon ourselves. Secondly, when listening to them, actively listen & search for their observations/facts, feelings, needs, values & requests. People feel heard when you simply repeat back to them what they said to you. Tyr it to decharge the situation if it gets emotional. 

Now, once this conversation is completed, we’re ready for the final step.

Step 5: follow up

The best thing you can do after an emotionally charged situation is give the both of space for things to settle. Sit in the discomfort of the uncertainty found in such space & embrace the certainty that you can give yourself through self compassion & care. Stay focused on YOU! If you feel the need to, follow up to conclude any remaining feelings or thoughts about the situation. I would recommend setting up time to spend assessing actions taken & discuss how things could be further improved moving forward.

& there you have it! Mindful confrontation 101. It's not easy because we were never taught it, but that doesn't mean it's useless to learn as a n adult. I don't know about you, but I admire the hell out of anyone that can consciously present themselves in a vulnerable yet confident way. I hope you can become that type of person now not only for others around you, but most importantly for yourself. 

If you would like to hear me coach through this content, listen to episode 42 of the Wake Up Call podcast!